Exchange Week
by AADale
Summary: The lieutenants switch divisions for a week.  Humor.  Most everyone's in this story, but Yachiru and Ukitake have the best scenes.  Read!
1. Introduction

Exchange Week

The lieutenants switch divisions for a week. Most everyone's in this story, but Yachiru and Ukitake have the best scenes. Read!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Yet.

/

Introduction

Soi-Fon never made suggestions at the Captains' meetings. She generally preferred things to stay as they were, and would vote against most any new initiative. So at the end of the meeting, everyone was surprised when she suggested a temporary, week-long exchange of lieutenants.

"What's the matter? You getting sick of Marechiyo?" Shunsui asked.

"I bet she just wants to spy on us", said Mayuri.

Soi-Fon's expression didn't betray her thoughts, but those were in fact the two reasons that she had made the suggestion.

The reactions from the captains varied from enthusiasm (Hitsugaya) to indifference (Kuchiki), but no one put forward a good argument against it. The General pointed out that the 3rd, 5th, 9th, and 13th couldn't participate in this plan, since they had no lieutenants.

"I could get rid of my third seats!" Ukitake offered, a gleam in his eye. "For a week, I mean, as part of this exchange idea."

Only Unohana, Kurotsuchi, and Komamura opted out of it. But then Komamura remembered his rule about never agreeing with the captain of the Twelfth except in emergencies (and always being careful even then), and decided to join in. The General declared that the exchange should begin tomorrow and last for six days, so that everything could return to normal before next week's meeting.

Each participating captain marked his division number on a strip of paper and folded them over. The General collected them, mixed them up, then opened them as follows:

1 (Sasakibe) – 6 (Abarai)

10 (Matsumoto) – 8 (Ise)

13 (Kotetsu and Kotsubaki) – 7 (Iba)

2 (Omaeda) – 11 (Kusajishi)


	2. Day 1

Scene: First Division, Day 1

Lieutenant Abarai had never stood so tall at attention. He was the assistant to the General of Soul Society! This was the most important week of his life. He had ironed his uniform, combed his hair, and checked his breath twice. He arrived thirty minutes before the General was due, and stood waiting at attention next to his desk. He was determined to be as professional as possible.

There was so much he could learn this week. And if he impressed the General, considering that he'd also achieved bankai recently, this could be a stepping stone to his own division. He could be a captain!

The General entered the office and shuffled past Abarai as if he didn't see him. Before he reached the door to his private office, the General said coldly, without stopping or even turning his head, "your paperwork for each day will be completed before lunchtime. I will have additional tasks for you in the afternoon." With that, the General entered his office and closed the door.

/

Scene: Second Division, Day 1

The tiny pink lieutenant of Eleventh Division bounced into the office of Captain Soi-Fon. Only one of them looked enthused.

"Hiya, boss! What's the case? What are we investigating today?"

Soi-Fon got up from her desk and led her new lieutenant out of the office and down a hallway to an interrogation room where two people sat waiting. These two men for the rest of the day would be known as Ugly and Fuzzy, based on the most defining characteristic of each of their faces.

"We've got two suspects in an assault and robbery. The victim is a shopkeeper in West Rukongai. He was pulled into an alley and robbed on his way home from work. He fought back, but he didn't get a good look at the guy who did it. We questioned the people who were nearby, and these two are both lying about something, but I don't know what. They're our best suspects."

"No problem, boss! I'm on the case! I'll get'em to talk!"

_That should keep her busy for a while_, thought Soi-Fon, as she left for more urgent business.

A few minutes later, Soi-Fon looked in on the "interrogation". Yachiru was climbing up Fuzzy's body, gabbing away as she did so. She stepped right on his crotch, then lifted herself up by pulling on his beard. "These are called pull-ups. It's one of the exercises that Kenny makes us do", she explained as she pulled herself up on Fuzzy's beard repeatedly. "These make our arms really strong. You know what else we do? We do pushups. Kenny's favorite exercise is just swinging his sword. He says that if you want to get good at combat – "

At this point, Fuzzy snapped, and with a furious look in his eyes, he grabbed the child with both hands and hurled her off his chest and through the air. Yachiru sprung off the opposite wall with fancy footwork and landed next to Ugly. Ugly straight-armed the pink lieutenant as she tried to grab his face. "Oh, come on, Ugly! Why don't you want to play? Maybe if I pull on your face hard enough I can make it look pretty."

/

Scene: Tenth Division, Day 1

Lieutenant Ise was beet red as she walked into Division Ten's headquarters.

"Captain, I've been told not to follow your orders until you read this", she said, as she handed him a note. Her hand was trembling with rage.

"_I am entrusting you with my most prized possession, my precious Nanao. It is imperative that she not be harmed in the slightest. I have inspected her from head to toe, as much as she has allowed me to, and I intend to do so again when she is returned to me. Please see to it that every precious bit of her is treated with reverence._

"_Remember, she is not there to serve you. You, and all of Soul Society, exist to serve her._

"_All the best, Captain Shunsui Kyoroku"_

Hitsugaya crumpled up the note. "You realize that your captain has a mental illness?"

"It would be improper for me to answer that."

Hitsugaya pointed to his lieutenant's cluttered desk. "You'll be sitting there. None of the paperwork is finished. If you get through all that, there's more under the loose floorboard in the corner. She thinks I don't know about it."

/

Scene: Sixth Division, Day 1

Captain Kuchiki sat perfectly still at his desk. Across from him sat Chojiro Sasakibe. The clock ticked.

/

Scene: Second Division, Day 1

Soi-Fon pulled the tiny lieutenant out of the interrogation room after twenty minutes. Yachiru happily bounced out into the hallway and addressed her new captain.

"I did my job, boss. You gonna arrest him?"

"Which one?"

"Oh, come on, stop being silly. The one who robbed the shopkeeper!"

"Yachiru, I need to figure out which one did it, remember?"

"Oh, it's so obvious! Do you remember the way Fuzzy threw me across the room? Fuzzy tossed me with both hands! Ugly couldn't even lift me."

"So, you think it's Fuzzy?"

"No, silly. Ugly could hardly move his left arm. And the shopkeeper said that he fought back. Ugly must have strained his arm dragging the shopkeeper into the alley."

"OK, that's interesting, but it's not proof."

"But remember how angry Fuzzy got at me? And Ugly tried not to. But I was really bothersome. I climbed all over them. Everyone hates that. Whoever robbed that man must have waited all night by the alley, just waiting for the richest person to walk by. That sounds more like Ugly. Fuzzy wouldn't be that patient."

"But…both of them were lying to me. What was Fuzzy lying about?"

"You're kidding, right? You're so silly."

"What do you mean?"

"Fuzzy's a girl. That's what Fuzzy's lying about. Remember when I stepped on her crotch? If Fuzzy was a boy, that'd hurt really bad. And I pulled on that beard as hard as I could. I can rip out facial hair really easy doing that. But Fuzzy's beard stayed on. It's got to be glued to her face. Besides, she didn't scream when she threw me. Everyone screams when they're that angry. I bet her scream is high-pitched like a girl, and she didn't want us to hear."

"Then, why is she pretending to be a man?"

"I dunno. You're the cop, you figure it out. Is there any candy in your office?"

/

Scene: Fourth Division, Day 1

Captain Unohana and her lieutenant were working side-by-side restocking the medical supply room. Usually they'd be chatting about something, but Isane seemed to be in low spirits.

"Isane, is there something wrong?" Unohana asked.

"No, Captain", the lieutenant replied, and even she could tell that she didn't sound convincing. "May I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"My sister told me about the temporary exchange program. Is there a reason you didn't want me to participate in it? Don't you think I'm strong enough to serve on a combat squad?"

Captain Unohana smiled angelically at Isane. "I did want you to participate. I think it'd be great experience for you, to let another captain find out just how powerful you are, and it would also let another lieutenant see how hard we work in this division. If there's ever an opportunity to do this on an individual basis, I'd encourage it."

Then the captain's look grew more serious. "But there's something about this….Every time something big happens in Soul Society, someone acts stupid. And I have a feeling that we're going to need a fully-staffed medical team before this week is over."

/

Scene: Seventh Division, Day 1

The captain walked over to Iba's desk. There were two chairs pulled up to it, and the Thirteenth Division's third seats sat glumly looking at their morning tea.

Captain Komamura said, "The paperwork in the In Box needs to be finished by the end of the day. You can split the work load however you wish. Tomorrow we can have each of you lead a sparring session."

Kiyone looked at the In Box and said wistfully, "remember the filing system at the Thirteenth?"

Sentaro said, "yeah, Captain Ukitake made everything seem more personal, like each piece of paper was a gift from him to you."

Kiyone sighed. "Iba is so lucky. He's never going to want to come back here."

Kotetsu and Kotsubaki stared off into space. The giant wolvish captain was not used to being ignored, and didn't know how to react. He quietly backed away.

/

Scene: First Division, Day 1

"Abarai?" The General called out from his office. Renji, having finished his paperwork, and having decided to skip lunch, immediately appeared in the doorway, standing at attention.

"Sir?"

"There is a delicate matter I'd like you to work on tomorrow. There is an ongoing land dispute between two of the noble families. It goes back centuries, and it is a matter of pride for both houses. Lately it's been threatening to break out into an all-out war. Sasakibe got both of them to agree to mediation, and they'll be meeting here tomorrow. I'd like you to act as a facilitator for the meeting. It will require a great deal of tact. Do you think you can handle this?"

"Yes, sir. I'm a natural diplomat", Renji said.


	3. Days 2 to 5

Scene: First Division, Day 2

The General listened to the shouting coming from the meeting room. For the first half hour, the raised voices were those of the two competing noble houses. Now, the only voice was Renji's.

"Well? If this is so important to you, then why don't you go to war over it? You keep threatening to, so why not do it? I tell you what," - the General heard the clank of a sword on a table - "take my zanpakuto right now, one of you, and run the other one through. Come on! What's the matter? Are you cowards? Why am I wasting time with either of you? Now shut up and let me tell you what your two rich, pathetic sissy houses are going to do…."

The General smiled.

/

Scene: Eleventh Division, Day 3

Marechiyo Omaeda had arranged his life around one overriding priority: that no one would ever stand over him shouting at him to exercise. The life of an assassin is one of stealth and mental discipline, not of physical fitness.

Kenpachi Zaraki seemed to understand this, and decided to spend the whole week bullying the lieutenant into shape. He did the in shifts, allowing each of the seated officers sparring time with the lieutenant between Marechiyo's frequent workouts and his infrequent meals.

What Marechiyo hadn't counted on was that, after only a few days of training, his sword felt lighter, his robes fit looser, and – and this was the real surprise – he felt better. He had heard talk about "cholesterol" in the World of the Living, and although he wasn't sure how that worked for soul reapers, he was pretty sure that his was better than it had ever been. He knew that at the end of this week he'd do nothing but sleep for a couple of days, but the idea of slimming down didn't seem quite so impossible any more.

/

Scene: Tenth Division, Day 3

Toshiro Hitsugaya surveyed the room. The paperwork, all of it, was completed in orderly stacks awaiting delivery. Ise was drawing up a preliminary schedule for next month's patrols. He'd spent so much time training with his squads yesterday that he felt obliged to let them skip their morning drills. For the life of him, he couldn't think of a thing that he had to do.

Kurotsuchi had once suggested that the two of them play golf some time. Hitsugaya had never tried the sport, but it looked like an interesting athletic endeavor, and it was good for the mind to try new things. He should stop by the Twelfth and see if Mayuri had some free time today.

/

Scene: Sixth Division, Day 3

Captain Kuchiki sat perfectly still at his desk. Across from him sat Chojiro Sasakibe. The clock ticked.

/

Scene: Seventh Division, Day 4

Captain Komamura walked over to the desk that his two assistants were sharing.

"If it's not too much trouble, I was wondering if you could get me some tea?" he said politely. He could have gotten the tea himself, but he just wanted them to move around, to shake some life back into themselves.

They didn't look up. Neither of them had done a lick of work all week. He wasn't sure that they'd even been eating. When this week was over, he might have to carry them back to Division Thirteen himself.

/

Scene: Second Division, Day 5

An unseated member of the Second Division rushed into the headquarters building, shouting "Captain!" Soi-Fon looked up.

"We've just received word of a crisis at Eighth Division headquarters. They were having a party that's gotten way out of control. It sounds like a riot's broken out, and there are several reports of fires."

Soi-Fon looked around the room at her subordinates. "OK. You two come with me. You summon the Safety Squad and tell them to meet us there. You, alert Fourth Division to await casualties. Lieutenant, you're in…charge here?"

/

Scene: Tenth Division, Day 5

Nanao Ise sat at her desk, attempting to complete a requisition form. Her captain for the week lay across her desk, pulling on the corner of the form every time she tried to write.

"Nanao, why don't you ever smile? You're so good at your job that I'm surprised you don't enjoy it more. Could you smile for me, just once? Please don't make me command you, because then I'd know that you don't mean it. But on the other hand, if I did make it an order, maybe you'd discover that you enjoy smiling. What should I do, Nanao? You're such a vexing little puzzle!"


	4. Day 6 and the next morning

Scene: Sixth Division, Day 6

Captain Kuchiki sat perfectly still at his desk. Across from him sat Chojiro Sasakibe. The clock ticked.

"I cut the nail on my left pinky too close to the skin", the captain said.

Sasakibe courteously asked, "Is there something you'd like me to do about it?"

Kuchiki considered. "No, I'll just wait for it to grow out."

"That's wise", the lieutenant said.

/

Scene: bar, Day 6 (evening)

It had been a wildly successful week for the Thirteenth Division. Lieutenant Iba had introduced some interesting training techniques to the squads, and had learned a lot from Captain Ukitake. The two men discovered that they complemented each other's styles. So, this last night, they'd gone out celebrating.

(It hadn't been easy to slip out of Seireitei unnoticed. Soi-Fon's people had locked down most of the streets trying to subdue the Eighth Division party. There were rumors that the Fifth and some of the Eleventh had joined in the party, and even some of the Kido Corps. And no one wanted the Kido Corps drinking. The Eleventh only broke _things_. The Kido Corps could break _dimensions_.)

Ukitake and Iba been barhopping all night and were currently pressed up against the bar at a crowded, dingy place called "Ceremonial Classy Drinks".

Iba said, "ya know, if I was a captain, I'd never spend the night alone. You must do pretty well for yourself."

"Not really", Yoshiro admitted.

"Oh, come on! You're better looking than me. And you're one of the most powerful guys in Soul Society. Gals love that."

Ukitake finished off another glass of the bar's trademark tequila. "I think I'm just the kind of person that women think of as a friend."

Iba slammed down another tequila to keep pace with his drinking companion, then waved the bartender to bring over a bottle of sake.

"You're a pretty fella. You know who else is? Shuhei. He's practically a girl. But he's got those tattoos. They make him look dangerous. Gals love that whole nice-guy-with-a-dangerous-side thing. He'd clean up at a dive like this."

"Maybe I should get a tattoo."

"That's a great idea! You know what, you should get a tattoo tonight. Maybe a 69 on your face."

"No, no, I couldn't. I mean, I understand why Hisagi did that, but it's really inappropriate. What kind of message does that send?"

"OK, something else then. But definitely on your face. But wadda ya wanna get? What do gals like?"

"I don't know", Yoshiro said, then smiled hazily. "If I knew what women liked, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"OK, how about Kuchiki's little sister. She's hot. You know her, what does she like?"

"Well, she loves those cartoons with Chappy the Bunny. She's crazy about them. She draws bunnies all over everything."

/

Scene: Ukitake's quarters, Day 7 (morning)

Captain Ukitake woke up feeling terrible. Really terrible. He hadn't felt this awful in years. His entire body ached, his head was throbbing, and his face felt like –

He remembered something. No, no, no, no, it couldn't have happened. He sprinted out of bed and over to a mirror.

What a relief. He looked at his face, and as ghostly pale and bloodshot as it was, he felt nothing but joy upon seeing that Iba hadn't talked him into a face tattoo.

He sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and took off his robes.

Bunnies! Tattoos of bunnies everywhere! Hopping up and down his arms and legs, snuggling cutely on his torso, peering out from behind certain areas, his entire body had been a canvas for a creative tattoo artist. He turned around, and looking over his shoulder, he saw that among the dozens of ink designs on his body, he had what could only be called a "rabbit hole". How had he not remembered that? That one tattoo alone must have hurt unbelievably.

It was a disaster. This wouldn't do at all. He had to go to Division Four and get them removed immediately. But who could he talk to there? Unohana? How could he drop his robes in front of her and reveal his…no, he couldn't do it. He ran into her so often – how could he ever make eye contact with her again? And Isane? Even worse! And those were the only two in the division who would be trusted to work on a captain.

Then he had an idea. He quickly put his robe and socks on and headed out the door.


	5. Conclusion

Conclusion

The captains filtered in one by one for the weekly meeting. Sasakibe stood next to the General and watched them arrive. He exchanged nods with Captain Kuchiki as he walked by. Sasakibe thought about this man he was standing next to, the General, _his_ General, who was a very interesting man. Sasakibe had the most interesting job in all of Soul Society, and he promised himself that he'd never forget how interesting his life was. He fought back tears of gratitude.

As usual, Captains Kyoraku and Ukitake were the last to arrive. They both looked like they'd aged in the past week. Soi-Fon and Unohana shot dirty looks at Shunsui, both remembering the carnage from the recent party. As the last two captains took their place in line, Komamura broke rank, came over to Ukitake, and bowed deeply before him.

"You are worthy of great honor, Captain Ukitake", he said. "I have never seen such loyalty as your third seats exhibited."

Ukitake scowled back at him. "Tell your lieutenant that I expect the same loyalty. And discretion." Iba had claimed that he didn't remember anything from that night, but Ukitake couldn't be sure.

General Yamamoto had a lot of information to pass along. There had been unusual Hollow activity in the World of the Living during the past week. The Captains' meeting ran longer than usual. The General ordered that the substitute soul reaper should be immediately informed of the latest news, and that Ukitake should send Rukia as a messenger.

Rukia Kuchiki showed up at Karakura High School midway through the day, dressed in her school uniform, and joined her friends for lunch. As they ate outdoors, she pulled out her notebook and relayed the latest information about the Hollows to Ichigo and the others. Orihime sat silently staring at Rukia's notebook with the little bunnies drawn all over it. When Rukia had finished, Orihime said distantly, "you know, sometimes bunnies aren't cute. Sometimes you see bunnies where you don't want to see them. Places that there shouldn't be bunnies at all." She shivered.


End file.
